Someone's On To Me

Sometimes it's frightening how insightful people can be by accident. There's this girl in one of my classes who can only be described as abrasive and a little scary. But the other day, she surprised me - because she saw right through me. Here's what happened...

Scene: The NYU Journalism Department, which only looks like a beautiful, fully-functioning academic building but instead is full of the usual broken computers and incompetent professors. Cupcake Lover is sitting at the table with everyone else when class begins. She has taken out a crossword puzzle, which she hopes to finish by the end of class... and usually does. The TA with a strange, unplaceable accent that involves a lot of odd vowel sounds begins to talk about an article in the New York Times that morning. Cupcake Lover is very proud of the fact that she receives the New York Times (and tries to read it) every day. Today, however, she did not read the article. So she can't strut her commitment to periodicals. Great.

Cupcake Lover: I can't believe I didn't read that article! I didn't read the front page section. I read every other section... I read the arts and leisure section, the dining section. I even read the sports section!

That Abrasive Girl: You read the sports section? Are you trying to get laid?

And that's when, suddenly, Cupcake Lover realizes. 

Yes.

That IS why she reads the sports section. Of course, CL doesn't say that. Instead, she blushes and says this:

Cupcake Lover: No! Please. I uhhh... I really like baseball. I like baseball season. It's the only sport I totally understand so I read about baseball season. I like baseball!

I do like the Yankees. Pinky swear.

Lies. Lies, lies, lies. And it took some weird girl in my journalism class to show me the light. Who am I kidding? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like sports. And I really and truly DO like baseball. Maybe even a lot. Okay, FINE. I like baseball uniforms... and baseball too! Whatever. 

The point is that I'm a manipulative little harlot and I didn't even realize it. I read the sports section because I think it's going to be attractive and super-cute to open my mouth and be all, "Wow, so how about Chien-Ming Wang's new ERA. Sucks, huh?" Or to use little tidbits to incite more talking. Such as, "Okay, I understand the play that just happened, but can you tell me a little more about this whole line of scrimmage business?" Vocabulary words are key (such as line of scrimmage) and it's very important to get them right. I read the sports section because I'd rather be the girl who DOESN'T say "Did they just score a touchdown??" during a game of hockey, or something to that effect. But I do find myself trying to memorize little things out of yesterday's article about The Game because, well, if a bunch of guys in my class are talking about it, I want to be able to interject. With a big, fancy sports word. And a giggle.

I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's because I can't rely on my feminine wiles to get me anywhere in this world, considering "flirting" for me consists of smiling a little wider and feeling uncomfortable. So what do I do instead? I rely on the fact that I'm a girl and it's cuter to say "Go team!" when you're a girl. I may be setting the entire female species back by half a century, but I'm doing what I can. And I WILL watch this week's Yankee games (the ones that aren't on the YES network. Bastards.) And I WILL read the sports section. And I WILL use it to attract men.

But I WILL NOT watch basketball. Because it's boring.