Mommie Dearest Meets the 'Netz

No more wire hangers, EVER!

Well, my mother finally discovered The Internet. *Golf Claps*

Honestly, I give her a lot of credit. Two weeks ago, I'm pretty sure she didn't even know how to double click. Her desktop closely resembles the remnants of a shock-and-awe air strike. And yet here she is, on Facebook, on Blogger... I'm 100% sure she'll read this. Potentially the second after I publish it.

It's not so bad, really. I'm a good kid (adult?). There's nothing incriminating on any website about me, mostly because I avoid incriminating things and if I were to participate in them, I'd sure as hell avoid putting them all over Facebook. The worst thing you're going to find is a picture of me doing my near-infamous (in my mind, anyway) velociraptor face/pose or perhaps discover, from my information section, that I like books by David Sedaris and folk music (horror!)

That said, having Mom on Facebook has been... well... interesting. Here's a taste.

First of all, she discovered "poking."

Phone Rings

Mom: "I poked you!"

Me: "Um, what Mom?"

Mom: "I poked you on Facebook! You didn't poke me back! Why didn't you poke me back?"

Me: "Um, Mom, I haven't been on Facebook in the hour since you poked me."

Mom: "Biotch! [Editors Note: My mom's vocabulary is a blog entry unto itself] Poke me!"

Me: "Mom, I'm walking down the street. I can't poke you right now."

Mom: "I'm writing on your wall. Poke!" [Editors Note #2: In this moment, she writes "Poke!" on my wall.

Me: "Ok Mom, don't worry, I'll poke you when I get back."

Mom: "What's a snowball? Someone threw a snowball? How do I throw a snowball?"

Me: "Snowballs are stupid applications, don't respond."

Mom: "I tried to poke you again but it won't let me."

Me: "That's because..."

Mom: "I'm a poker!"

Me: "Mom, I'll poke you back, I promise. I have to go, I'll see you Monday."

Mom: "Poke!!"

She's gone Facebook crazy. Even her friends think so. She updates her status, she even made herself an Avatar on Yahoo to be her profile picture. She's a chef so of course, "It's me in my apron with a steak, but skinnier!"

And now she's made herself a blog. You might as well check it out: KitchnBitch'n. It's actually pretty good, for a fledgling effort from a technologically-impaired restauranteur with little to no free time.

But Mom, I know you're reading this, so consider yourself warned. Now that you've discovered the World Wide Web and all its vast possibilities, you will never be the same. When you find yourself awake in the middle of the night, cruising through the Facebook pages of people you never talk to, you'll regret it. When you realize that half the time something interesting happens to you, you think "Huh, could I blog about this?" you'll regret it.

I'm telling you, things are happier in the Dark Ages. But there's no turning back now.

Happy surfing, Mommy.